Men are not men because they are old enough and they are not men because they produce children. Men are men when their relationships cost them more than their selfishness. I don't believe I was a man when I got married or when I had my first child, I was operating in my responsibilities for sure but it was what I was supposed to do. I was just comparing myself to other lost boys living out 'fake it, 'til you make it' theology.
I became aware I was becoming a man when surrendering to Christ was my only option...when I asked God to father me for the first time. By that time 3 of my 4 children were born and I was jobless and just settling into a home we couldn't afford even before I lost my job. That was the toughest most humbling and empowering year of my life. I spoke to God and he answered. He gave me a vision for my life, he invited me in and did what I asked, he began to father me.
I began to see that the selfishness of my heart was dulling my masculine growth. It sounds like a contradiction for sure. But what if your penis size did not have power over you...what if your check book didn't give you a name? I began to think of becoming a man and that that is exactly what God wanted me to become. How do you set out in becoming a man, isn't it just supposed to happen? Well, sure I didn't follow a formula or take a class, but the first step for me was to stop trying to be the strongest man in my life. I had to leave room for at least one more, they call him Prince of Peace, Mighty God, Wonderful Counselor, Everlasting Father (Is 9:6). Becoming the man God wanted me to be was more about my surrender to His fatherhood than my ability to just be tougher. I needed to be teachable.
If you know me at all, you know I don't lack confidence. Some may even confess that I never have, but that confidence doesn't come from my own strength but from my interaction with the one who holds my heart in his hands.
I'm boasting...a little. But ultimately I boast in the transforming power of Christ in my life. I could fake it like the rest of the world and maybe my personality is not a whole lot different than it was 6 years ago, but I know this. The story God has written of my life over the last 6 years is much greater and amazing that I could ever have asked for and the relief I now have in knowing that its not all up to me, has allowed me to lead my family courageously.
I shared with Caleb that its not everyday that a dad and son can get out like this. Many dads, in fact don't have time for such an excursion. However, I chose to be there right then. Yes, I had to keep stopping so he could get stuff out of his shoe and I had to carry his Batman backpack part of the way because it was too heavy. He wanted to go back a few times as he saw how high we were and how far the truck was, but we pressed on. We got to a place of quietness and closeness, he rarely stopped talking but the low hum of his 6 year old voice was over shadowed by wisping wind over the ridges. I could feel the pleasure of God at that moment when I crouched down to take a picture with my son. He is so curious, so imaginative, so unaware of an absent love. I am so grateful that I get to share a father's love with my son. I am so grateful that he will never have to question if he matters to anyone. He gets to walk through this life knowing his father loves him and that love is close, affectionate, and generous.
